To Spank or… Not?
I was surfing BDSM-related articles online because I have a birthday party to go to tonight and I don’t want to work this morning (both perfectly viable reasons for not writing, I assure you), when I stumbled upon this article by thekinkyworldofvile. Now, I love the post–DO NOT GO TO HIS BLOG AND LEAVE SNARKY FEEDBACK BECAUSE HIS OPINION AND MINE ARE ABOUT TO DIFFER. He’s allowed to have his own opinion. Also, I know what he was trying to say and I agree with most of it. I also read the comment by Xtac, which I also love and agree with. But it got me to thinking, which is always a dangerous thing, especially if it can get me out of writing a single word on my current WIP until it’s time to leave for the party (which it is, so…toodles! I’m off to have cake!). But here is one submissive’s view on the use of impact punishments within the dynamic of a BDSM relationship.
I am a pain slut, a baby girl, and probably identify in my day to day life the most strongly with that of a ‘1950s housewife’. I am an administrator at two local BDSM dungeons and am a member in good standing at a third. Although I say I am not a slave, I have been told that I often display those kinds of tendencies towards my DD in particular, but also towards those Doms that I trust, respect and sometimes scene with. I have been told that I am considered a ‘hot commodity’ in our Community not just because of these tendencies, but because I am one of those submissives who can take a lot when it comes to impact play.
I didn’t say any of this to be boastful. I said it because I am not new to the Scene. I have been in this lifestyle for 22 years and have been branching out, learning about and participating in other activities within my local Community for 4 years now.
Although I said it first, all of that is inconsequential compared to the rest of what I am.
- I am a woman with a career that moves from one deadline to another with little to no breathing room in between. I work every single day, including holidays and weekends, and even when I’m on vacation. I take maybe 3-5 days off out of a year when I don’t work at all.
- I am in the middle of a divorce after 22 years (we’re still friends and will continue to share the house after the divorce is done, but this is still the death of what we both intended to be forever and it’s still hard).
- I am a daughter whose live-in father is beginning to show the symptoms of a slow decline into dementia.
- I am a caregiver to a sister whose health has been failing for so long that I honestly expect every single morning when I wake up to find that she has died in the night. She also lives with me.
- I am a stress swallower who cannot cry without help.
- I am NOT a “bad girl”. I don’t brat or deliberately break the rules and the few times Daddy became upset with me over something I’d done have been horrible simply because the weight of his disappointment is so much more than I can bear.
I never go looking for punishments… But I do need them, I need them to be physical, and I especially need them to happen under two very specific circumstances.
1.) When my DD gets upset with something I do, he handles it in his own way: He talks. He’ll begin by telling me what I did, what he didn’t like about it, and then he lets me tell why I did it before we discuss ways in which to prevent it from happening again in future. If it’s a minor, first-time offense, then that might be the end of it. But if it’s a repeat offense or not so minor, then he’ll punish me. Daddy’s punishments usually consist of imposing restrictions or removing privileges, although these are usually nothing compared to the horribleness of having to sit or stand before him while he tells me how he feels about what I’ve done. But once we’ve gone through that part and he’s passed down what he feels is appropriate punishment, then comes forgiveness, which is given via a spanking. It’s not sexy or erotic. I don’t find it fun to be spanked for those reason, but he still does it and he does because I NEED him to. It’s probably something broken inside of me, but it’s that physical correction that triggers to me that the punishment is really over and that Daddy does still love me enough to want to continue on with me despite whatever I did. Intellectually I know it shouldn’t be this way, but try telling yourself in the middle of any deeply ingrained gut reaction that you shouldn’t think of it like that and see how far you actually get.
Intellect aside, in my mind no true behavioral correction is over until the spanking has been given, because it’s in that process that I can find my release from the guilt of knowing I’ve displeased my DD. So, is a spanking given for this reason part of the ritual of discipline within our working BDSM/DD relationship, or is it part of the punishment or is it, as I’ve started to see it, part of the aftercare? I’m not sure.
2.) As I said before, I am a stress swallower who can’t cry or release without help. The feeling of stress building and building up inside me begins to feel a lot like a panic attack. I stop being able to sleep, sometimes for weeks at a time. I stop eating or, worse, stop being able to keep it down. I become unable to work and then other little side effects start to manifest. I become haunted by this faceless, formless dread that manifests itself as the feeling of having done something truly ‘bad’. I’m not talking sneaking a cigarette or getting a speeding ticket. I’m talking living every minute of every day expecting police to show up at your door to cart your ass to jail, only you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m talking the kind of bad that can only be made right via trial by cane and hellfire. The kind that takes me to my limits, and then past them, and leaves me so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted that I can’t move afterwards. I’ve said it before, the marks this kind of session leaves behind are the only kinds of jewelry I love to wear. Not because it’s evidence of his authority over me, but because these are NOT fun scenes. Not for me, and certainly not for Daddy, but I’ve made it through them and these marks left behind are all the proof I need of how much he loves me, because only someone who does would take their most precious babygirl through that kind of beating in order to release their ‘guilt’.
I have needed three of these scenes so far this year. Again, I am a submissive who never brats (although I will sass if I think it’ll make Daddy smile or laugh). I never deliberately misbehave and NEVER go looking for punishment. I LOVE impact, but I love those scenes to be happy and fun and erotic. So why are there so many people who insist that impact should never be used as a form of punishment, or that spanking a painslut is ineffective discipline? How can anyone paint all submissives, all painsluts, all BDSM/DD/Lifestyle-relationships with the same broad-bristled brush? What I would rather be said is this: Impact should never be used as a form of punishment for a submissive who loves disciplinary spankings and who willingly misbehaves in order to earn them. Discipline is only effective if it alters behavior.
Think about it like this: You kiss your spouse and you kiss your sister/parents/relatives/friends. Both are expressions of love, but they have two very different meanings, and the same is true for spanking. A spanking given for fun/funishment, sex, or maintenance is a very, very different kind of spanking than one given for punishment (either for real reasons or, as in my case, for release of imagined ones). It’s different because of how it’s received. Impact given under disciplinary circumstances is anything but happy, fun or erotic for me. It can, in fact, be downright devastating, especially if I think Daddy is doing it because he was upset with me. But it would be a thousand times more devastating if he did not punish because an established, well-respected Dom once said, ‘why would one take the time to beat someone so precious, someone who is suppose to mean the world to you’ or because another said, ‘physical punishment… is way too unthinking and simple’ or because so many believe, ‘you can’t discipline a painslut with a spanking’.
Effective discipline is whatever evokes a change in your submissive’s behavior while at the same time leaving her feeling mentally, emotionally and physically loved, safe and cared for. If that something is spanking, then so be it.