R is for Remorse

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R is for Remorse, as in Buyer’s Remorse

I’m not promo-ing a book today. I am in the middle of a move…

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…and it’s getting harder and harder to keep up with the A to Z blog hop. I had a very definite idea of what I wanted to do for R. Rope Play was my first choice, but after every hard day of packing and schlepping boxes, I would grab my Kindle and retire straight to bed to find a good book with an awesome rope-play scene in it–maybe even one detailing rope corsetry…I know, I know, if you’re going to dream, dream big!)–but do you know what I found out? It’s very hard to find a book or scene like that while snoring and with your eyes closed.

So, then I thought…Rough Sex! Yeah, everybody likes reading about that. Surely, I already have a book about that. Except that same problem. My head hits the pillow and I zonk. So, today, R is for Buyer’s Remorse and it won’t involve a book excerpt because I definitely haven’t found a scene detailing that. But something happened to me last weekend and I heard the phrase ‘buyer’s remorse’ used for the first time to describe something that occasionally happens to subs after a scene ends. I heard that phrase, because it was used to describe something that had just happened to me.

What is ‘buyer’s remorse’ as it pertains to BDSM? First of all, if BDSM had a book of standard lingo, I don’t think this one would be in it. I think it’s probably just a friend’s personal phrase, but it fits. It definitely fits.

I’ve mentioned it before, but once or twice a month I get together with a group of friends for BDSM-oriented playtime. Typically, I spend a heck of a lot of time out in the smoking section just talking to people. You could even say, I am a fixture there. I’ve had people come up and jokingly ask if I’ve ever seen the inside of the building–that’s how much time I spend outside. Still, once in a while I like to cut loose and submit to a scene. I rarely lack for partners, and frequently I’ll accept an offer to sub in a scene with anyone looking for a partner for…whatever. I’m good that way.

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I am also married, and while I know a lot of people have difficulty rationalizing how a person could hold their marriage sacred and still attend parties like that, neither my husband nor myself have that problem. Most of the time we attend those parties together; occasionally, I attend by myself. When we go together, my husband adopts a very laid back and yet protective stance. He keeps very close tabs on the scenes I’m in. To date, he has never interfered in one, but he’s ready to if he thinks something’s going too far. We have a set of rules we have agreed on and I follow them. We’ve been doing this for almost two years now and have never had a problem.

Until this last weekend.

Now, I can’t go into detail without violating confidentiality, and so I will simply say this: ‘Buyer’s Remorse’ is a lot like Sub-drop in that it is a very specific and intense feeling that is NOTHING like sub-drop although (for me, at least) it did happen over a period of several days following a scene. At the time, I was fine. Part of my make-up as a submissive woman is the desire to please. In particular, I like being able to please whoever is Topping me. Most of the time that person is my husband. In this case, it was the man who partnered with me for that particular scene. Unfortunately, pleasing him meant doing something that I was not comfortable doing and yet the submissive in me could not tell him no. In the days that followed, I felt more and more guilty. Worse, I felt violated even though that’s not at all what actually happened.

Buyer’s Remorse happens when the submissive gives consent to a scene that has been negotiated. She knows everything that’s going to happen before it happens, she may even continue to give consent each time the Dom pauses (as a good Dom will do) to check on her progress while he’s working the scene. But for whatever reason–perhaps because the sub is flying high in the moment, or even zoned out in subspace and loving every minute of what’s going on, or even because s/he is so desperate to please that they lose the ability to say ‘I really don’t want to do this’–some subs can lose the ability to give consent on their own behalf. So what happens when the scene ends and that sub comes down out of the clouds far enough to once more think rationally through what happened, is that they realize they have made the biggest mistake in that immediate point in their life and they have made it in a very personal and intimate way, because BDSM is personal and it is very intimate, and it is a devastating thing to go someplace mentally or physically that you are not ready or willing to go.

As a result of last weekend, my husband and I have had to alter our rules for what happens at the play parties, putting in safeguards to keep me protected from my own inability to say no. This is the first time since we’ve started attending these parties that I ever knew I needed protecting…from myself. Live and learn, I guess.

Enjoy the rest of your reading, and don’t forget to Click here to check out the other amazing authors participating in the A to Z Blog Hop going on all through June! 🙂

8 thoughts on “R is for Remorse

  1. I understand what you mean about the need to please and the inability to say no and I hope you feel better. Life happens, right? Anyhow, I don’t have anything to say really but I have been reading your posts and I know you’re doing this through the move and I appreciate the effort.

  2. Dear Mrs Smith, firstly usually i would of emailed but i know how extremely busy you are & did not want to disturb you. Reading this post made me cry – because i totally understand what you’ve been through, my life has been shadowed by the deep need to please & being unable to say NO! So i just wanted to send you a BIG HUG! i am glad you have changed your play rules & hope your husband is able to see the signs & save you before it ever happens again. Take care & i hope the move is going as planned.

  3. I felt a little sad reading this. I’m glad your hubby was there and able to help you process and protect you with clear boundaries for everyone. Hope you find peace with it at some point…

    Hope the move went well!!! Happy unpacking! Take care, Maren!

  4. Maren, I always love reading your posts because you usually make me laugh and you have such a clear perspective on things. I can relate to saying yes to something in the heat of the moment because you don’t want to say no, are eager to please, and aren’t thinking clearly. It probably never happened to me in the same situation, but it happens nonetheless and then it sucks.

    Thanks for sharing, as I am sure this is a more common thing than people like to admit. And you’re right, you live and you learn. At least you can say you learned something from it, discussed it with your husband and are readjusting the way you play. I think that is the absolute best outcome from the situation.

    Good luck with the move. Try not to stress!

  5. Sending you big hugs, Maren. I hope you are ok.
    I can totally empathize with you, having had a similar experience, but never quite understanding until now, how to word it.

    I am also a submissive who wants to please, so I totally get what you are saying.

    But I also have not been in the BDSM position like this, since my husband still has not agreed to go out and “play”.
    I guess that is his way of keeping me (us) safe.
    <3
    I'm so glad your husband is there for you!
    -hugs!

  6. I like katherinedeane have not been in this position because my husband also never wanted to go out and “play”. That being said, thank you for writing this and letting other subs and doms know that this can and does happen. Kudos to you for being self aware enough to process and talk it through with your great hubby. I’ve enjoyed reading your alphabet blogs especially when you post them just after midnight. Hope all goes well with your move.

  7. I have certainly been in this position, too, not just in sex or scenes but in all kinds of real life situations, since I am submissive and a pleaser, through and through. Glad to hear you have safeguards in place now!

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