Spanking Round Table: Fantasy vs Reality

I make my living with the fantasy of BDSM. Naturally, I have to live my life in the reality. So when I saw that this would be the topic of conversation for this month’s round table discussion, I had to jump on it despite that fact that I am so far behind my deadlines right now that I can barely see above water. lol

My current work, play, preoccupation is the Masters of the Castle series. This is my favorite fantasy, a place where anyone can go to find the perfect play partner, someone who knows exactly what they want and need, who enjoys the same activities, and who knows how far, how fast, how deep and how aggressive to go. You always have a good time. You always get what you want and you always cum.

Well, that just doesn’t happen in the real world, does it?

In the real world, it takes a lot of hard work, open communication and constant compromise to make a good working scene come together. In the real world, sometimes you’re just not in the mood, or you fall off the bed, or someone kneels on someone else’s hair. Sometimes he’s not always consistent with his discipline; sometimes the very idea that he’s going to spank you for something you not only agreed on but really do want, makes you madder than hell. Not everyone is slim and svelte and beautiful/drop-dead good-looking in the real world. We aren’t all young, filled to the brim with all kinds of technical expertise or in our sexual prime. We get older, fatter, saggier, our boobs and our scrotums drift south for the winter, and our tummies make funny noises at the most inopportune moments. Budgets and daily responsibilities constrain us, and before you know it the nightly adventure becomes less about sex and more about who did what with the remote. We have kids and family and thin apartment walls. We have real life, real love, real laughter and occasionally, when everything comes together just right, we have the perfect BDSM experience that reminds us of just why we love this thing we do so much. It’s who we are. It completes us. It’s…real.

The reality is that the Castle doesn’t exist. Sadly. Or I’d spend my entire income there. However, Fetlife has given me a good approximation of what the Castle might actually be like in real life. Twice a month, I drive about two hours to attend my “local” play party. I talk with Doms and other submissives, and participate just about every time I attend. I’ve learned about fire play, Littles, electric play, flogging, figging, needle play, wax play, cell popping, and cutting, and just about everything I’ve learned about I’ve also experienced at least once.

The reality is, satisfying scenes only happen when you and your partner negotiate what you want to happen honestly and correctly. There is no such thing as the Dom who knows everything or who can read our mind. Safe, sane and consensual only happens with someone who is worthy of the trust you put in them and in established play groups that are moderated and attended by people who genuinely care about you and the success of the group as a whole. There are good groups out there, but there are bad ones too. There are wonderful people out there just waiting to be talked to, and there are some real nasty pieces of work that would just love to fuck you up.

The reality is, if you’re too afraid you might run into the latter, you’ll never experience the former. And that would be a shame, because whether it’s a play partner, a life partner or a group experience, reality is still vastly better than anything you’ll find in a fantasy erotica novel.

spanking round table

I’ve loved being part of the round table group this month. Nine other blogs are participating, so don’t forget to check out the other aspects of this discussion.

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19 thoughts on “Spanking Round Table: Fantasy vs Reality

  1. I’m not that brave to go out and experience outside of my home. I do like reading about different experiences and I thank those that do and share. Then we can try at home if it appeals to us.

    • And all of that is okay. You may never be ready or even want to bridge that gap between what you read and fantasize about and what you’d like to physically try. But maybe someday that will change. If it ever does, just know that there are places out there where you can safely appease your curiosity with lots of friendly, knowledgeable people who would be more than happy to corrupt you in any way you’d like. 😀

  2. Lovely post Maren. What is cell popping? I do have that one question….

    Reality is most definitely very different than fiction. When we first started to actually do this in real life, I was completely blissed out – hey, my husband was open to spanking me! WooHoo!

    A few months later, I felt disappointed more than anything else and shut down more than a little bit. I even started talking to a ‘real Dom’ on line (I still cringe at the memory!). Then I went back to my husband and we talked about what was going on what was going right, what was going wrong…and he got it. By got it, I mean he heard me – not that the spankings suddenly became book worthy. We go up and down and some days are amazing and some days are mwah…but you’re right on the communication and the only thing I would add to reality being better than fantasy is that it can be both – infuse reality with fantasy, create your own reality with realistic ideals (two feet on the ground) – and get rid of your expectations. That last one is way easier to say than to do… 🙂

    • Cell popping is a very temporary type of branding, but really it’s more like a tattoo. I know how it sounds, but it isn’t awful at all. When I volunteered to get mine, I’d never seen it done before. The lady artist who drew mine used a 4 or 5 inch long pick-looking thing. She turned on a blow torch, got the tip red hot and then lightly tapped the tip against my skin. I felt no heat or burning or even pricking. Take a thumb tack and touch it lightly to your arm. That’s what it felt like. Sharp, but no pain or blood drawn. My tattoo hurt a hell of a lot worse than this did. It’s called cell popping, I think, for the sound your skin makes when the hot tip touches your skin. It takes a second for the pattern to show up and it only lasts maybe a few weeks. I’m going on 5 weeks now and mine is almost completely faded away. She drew a heart inside a heart on my breast, in case you’re curious. And for the record, I’m not into cutting, branding, needles or any other kind of blood play either, but I do like to try new things. I’m glad I tried this one and, if the chance arises, I’ll probably do it again.

      You’re right, infuse reality with fantasy and get the best of both worlds. And yes, get rid of your expectations! Go in with an open mind and just see what it’s really all about before you draw your conclusions. What you said about you and your husband made me smile. I went into my marriage with a man who liked to spank…and we had the same issues. Learning how to make our reality match what we’d fantasized about for years took time, tons of honesty and constant communication, and nineteen years later, we’re not done yet!

  3. I love your Masters of the Castle world, too, and, like you, would bankrupt myself there if it existed in real life. Like you, I also travel to real life meet ups to experience some of my fantasies and expand my horizons, and Fetlife is my kinky Facebook. I can’t agree more that taking the chance of making some of my fantasies a reality in a safe environment beats anything I’ve read in a book…and I’ve read some pretty awesome books.

    • Me too. 😀 Which isn’t to say that a life of strictly fantasy-based BDSM is bad or that you’re somehow less than the rest of us if you don’t get out there and do it for real. Sometimes our fantasies truly are the best way for us to get our fix. However, if you can do the real thing and you want to, then don’t let your inexperience or fear of new things prevent you from connecting with safe BDSM people and venues.

  4. I love the MOC series! I am actually trying to work up the nerve to get back on the Fet Life site again. Maybe some day, my husband and I will actually be able to go to a munch! 🙂
    Thanks for sharing!

  5. hi Mrs Smith, thank you for what you wrote, reality should be better than fantasy, but for some of us that is all there will ever be so being able to read & experience bdsm through book’s ect is very important. i am unable to do in reality what in fantasy i see myself doing so i spend a lot of time dreaming & your book’s in perticular have really helped me better understand myself. if cell popping is a form of branding then like fire play it is not for me.

    • You’re right. Sometimes fantasy is what we have, and I don’t mean that that is a bad thing. I’m certainly not saying you have to change your life if all of your experiences stem from dreaming. We have to realistic, we have to be responsible, and let’s face it–fantasies are a necessary daily escape. Whether you disappear mentally into TV show, sports game, a good book, or an even better daydream, everybody needs the time, solitude and stress-relief that comes with mentally just getting away. I only mean that your fantasies shouldn’t limit you, especially if your fantasies center around BDSM. If you can experience the real thing and you WANT to, then don’t let your fear of reaching out or your fantasies limit you. Don’t be afraid to venture forth. Just do it safely.

      Cell popping is a very temporary type of branding, but really it’s more like a tattoo. I know how it sounds, but it isn’t awful at all. When I volunteered to get mine, I’d never seen it done before. The lady artist who drew mine used a 4 or 5 inch long pick-looking thing. She turned on a blow torch, got the tip red hot and then lightly tapped the tip against my skin. I felt no heat or burning or even pricking. Take a thumb tack and touch it lightly to your arm. That’s what it felt like. Sharp, but no pain or blood drawn. My tattoo hurt a hell of a lot worse than this did. It’s called cell popping, I think, for the sound your skin makes when the hot tip touches your skin. It takes a second for the pattern to show up and it only lasts maybe a few weeks. I’m going on 5 weeks now and mine is almost completely faded away. She drew a heart inside a heart on my breast, in case you’re curious. And for the record, I’m not into cutting, branding, needles or any other kind of blood play either, but I do like to try new things. I’m glad I tried this one and, if the chance arises, I’ll probably do it again.

  6. I feel so educated now, I had no idea what cell popping was!

    I love your Masters of the Castle series, I think a lot of people would be bankrupt if it were real (including myself). You are right, in real life, no one can read our minds, it’s all about communication. Which sometimes can be a drag, especially if you are trying to communicate something you didn’t really like.

    Great post Maren! Thanks for joining the discussion this time around 🙂

  7. I feel warmer and safer for having read your post, Maren – it’s so great that there are people like you in this crazy world of kink: balanced, caring, intelligent. Thank you for such realistic and thoughtful insights.

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